Thank You Notes

In the fashion of Jimmy Fallon, I have my own "Thank You Notes" to send this week:

Thank you random woman at the Winterhawks game I just met 5 minutes ago in a suite we were happening to share. I really appreciated your response to my affirmative answer regarding my single status: “Ahh…don’t you feel like you were the animal not picked for Noah’s ark? I know I did.” Hmm…I didn’t realize the consequences of being single were as serious as being left to drown in the rains of a flood. Thank you for enlightening me with this new and profound perspective. What is it you do for a living again? You squeeze the simple joy of life from one stranger at a time? Well good. It’s always great to have someone with a little perspective.

Thank you bitches in el bano on Cinco de Mayo for the terrible gossip you shared with your stall mates about some anonymous girl at the bar. It really enforced how mean girls really are. From what I gather, you were “frenemies” in high school and now she has a prestigious position with Bergdorf in NYC. Good for her. I think talking about what shoes she was wearing and the way her hair was did, is the best way to “get back at her success." Certainly not by making your own life better. You can stand on someone else’s shoulders if you’d like to feel tall. But I’d suggest buying your own ladder.

Thank you student in my class who claimed that a man named 'Baraka Osama' is the leader of the free world. I could blame spell check, but I'm not sure any word in the English language would auto-correct to 'Baraka.' But maybe my expectations are too high. It isn't that important to know who your president is, right? Just who got voted off of American Idol last night.

Thank you 5’8” Asian girl in my ballet class who weighs 90 pounds for doing the splits while lying on your back while the rest of us participated in resistance exercises. We get it, you’re better than us and super flexible- that’s something we'll just have to deal with. Now go home and eat a burrito immediately.

Thank you Seth Meyers for revealing on this past SNL's 'Weekend Update' that you had a girlfriend. I thought you would be my animal pair that would grant me clearance onto Noah's Ark. But now, now it looks like I'll need a pair of waders like Al Roker's that he's been rocking while standing in the Mississippi flood waters to report eye witness coverage. Hey guess what Roker (and ALL other journalists)? The view is the same from dry land & we're not going to watch your channel over another just because you got in the dirty water. We know you're getting out and airlifted to your five star hotel the moment the tape cuts.

Thank you Seattle Department of Licensing for only staffing three workers when you have about 60 people waiting to be helped. I especially enjoyed sharing close quarters with the ill senior (who probably shouldn’t be driving anyway) who disregarded covering his mouth in between his frothy coughs where he would definitely hack something up, swallow it, only to begin hacking at it again. Sick. A newspaper 7 inches in front of your face, old man, does not suffice as a barrier between your germs and the rest of us. Also, thanks for brushing and flossing this morning.

Thank you Jon Stewart for being on right before my bedtime and always ending my week days in hilarity. I know you're married, but unlike Seth, you don't rub it in my face.

Thank you Olivia Grace for existing (maybe I should be thanking your parents-which is gross. That’s my brother). By just looking at a picture of your chubby little face and into those big dark eyes, I remember that it isn’t all worth getting worked up over. We shouldn’t stress about the little things. And apparently, they’re all little things.

But it does feel better to write them down and see the humor in it all.