The Black Swan

Slats of wooden floorboards creak beneath the delicate movement and placement of feet pirouetting across its surface. Feet which house both worn and unworn pink slippers. Tiny strings of thread poke out where stitches have been restitched from the numerous stories they have told through their journey across the stage. On others, stiffness envelopes the feet which shifts to their bodies; these are the novices of the room who are still uncertain if their arm position is appropriate to whatever their lower half is currently engaging in. Mirrors consume all four walls-floor to roof-so not a moment passes unaccounted or observed for.

Sweet serenity.

Today I decided I wanted to be a ballerina. And this idea was further reinforced by my refrigerator magnet that I strategically placed at my favorite haven to serve as a reminder that it is okay to face any and all vulnerabilities.

The thought of dancing again is a bit terrifying. When I was young, like most kids, I was fearless (despite having a father who taught the opposite daily, I mean hourly, of all the possible things I should be afraid of). It’s a wonder I don’t still reside in one of my parent’s residences.

The previous statement should be edited. Today, I decided I wanted to be a ballerina again. I once was a ballerina; the days before adolescence, thighs, and when wearing make-up was confined to the stage. Which in retrospect is a hideous way to introduce young formidable girls to make up.

“Cake it on!"

"They can’t see you without it!"

" You won’t be noticed! You don’t want to be a wallflower, do you?”

Well, I guess not, but you do have me dressed up like a mushroom (true story), not exactly the preparation for someone that’s about to be the chandelier of which parties and events revolve around.

Stite’s Studio was thrilling. I loved going to ballet class. I felt important carrying my lavender dance bag with the pink slippers screen printed on the side, and taking out my own slippers that matched once I got into the studio. It was forbidden to walk on the streets with your ballet slippers. I loved the feeling of my black skirt grazing my standard pink tights as I spun around in circles and anticipating my turn to do grande jete’s diagonally across the floor. And then back. I was always eager to go one more time and never understood the hesitation of some of my classmates and their willingness to let me cut in line as they continued to allow others to “go ahead” while they hoped to get lost. In a room full of mirrors.

My hiatus from the jewelry-box dancer was due to taking on more “competitive” sports. Maybe I should say “contact” as I’m sure I’ve offended, and rightfully so, someone who has starred as Clara in Juliard’s production of “The Nutcracker.” Or some other big deal where you literally ruin the shape, feeling, and overall attractiveness of your feet. Or where you work so hard in becoming a character that you manifest this war between self and evil ultimately dying for the role [Spoiler alert].

So after much thought, hesitation, longing feelings during a cinematic blockbuster that shouldn’t warrant such emotion, more hesitation, and conversations with a friend who had recently taken the leap [pun], I decided to take Mrs. Roosevelt’s advice.

[my favorite new pair of shoes I've bought this week. Besides the strappy sandals I bought yesterday...]

Before I had an opportunity to change my mind, I googled the nearest dance store and bought a new dance wardrobe. I was reassured when the lady told me, “You totally need a leotard with a strappy back,” which I interpreted as my lifting has been paying off and Operation 2011: Tone back, is giving noticeable results. Even though I was wearing a cardigan at the time this comment was made.

Here’s to dancing like no one (besides 15 women and possibly 2 men) is watching.

The Year's Best.

Forget that Ebert fellow.

Forget that silly "Top 20" on your iTunes homepage. I mean, are you really going to trust a list that rotates Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift as the best songs week after week? Come on.

And Oprah's Book Club? That was so last year. [Oprah I didn't mean it, it was nearly a persuasive tactic, I still love you].

In fact, in honor of you, let us take a look at my favorite ThiiiIIIIIIngs of these last 365 days/12 months/8760 hours/525,600 minutes (thanks to 'Rent' I didn't even have to calculate that last one):

The Tunes.

1. 'Dog Days are Over' Florence + The Machine: I was a little late on Florence + The Machine, but when I first saw her, it was during an amazing performance on the Music Television...they were actually playing music and not bad reality television. Her striking red hair should be an indicator of what her voice is capable of, but it isn't. This woman has pipes like no other and her album is appropriately titled "Lungs." Her voice doesn't quit.

"And I never wanted anything from you. Except everything you had and what was left after that. Oh!"

2. 'Sailing to Nowhere' Broken Bells: A collaboration of a local Portland favorite of mine, 'The Shins' and Danger Mouse of 'Gnarls Barkley' fame, I heard this band for the first time toward the end of the year and was pleasantly surprised to see them in concert a few weeks later with a friend of mine with an extra ticket :). They delivered. I love it when you can go to a show and feel the music not just in bass, but in the performance of the musicians. I feel my entire system alter to keep time with this song. I wish it was as lengthy as "Hey Jude" or "American Pie" with just the beat. Oh well, listening to it on repeat works just as well.

"Running in circles, a mouse on the table, I try to feel. I just don't."

3. 'No More' Eminem Feat Lil Wayne: The beat comes from the popular "Haddaway" song made famous from the "A Night at the Roxbury" sketch on SNL. Eminem and Lil Wayne both have such unique voices that breaks up the mundanity that rap can be. It is a bit profane, but they did a clean version on SNL and it was still just as awesome.

"I'm alive again. More alive than I have been in my whole entire life."

4. 'Power' Kanye West: I don't really care for Kanye as a person due to the douchey things that he has done and the ignorant comments he continues to make, but he has a talent. And that is spittin mad lyrics (yes, I just said that). Oh well, guess you can't have it all.

"I'm livin in the 21st century doin something mean to it. Do it better than anybody you ever seen do it."

5. 'Creep' Scala & Kolacny Brothers: If you saw the first trailer for 'The Social Network' this was the song. This is a beautifully haunting cover of Radiohead's classic hit. The 'Brothers' ' outstanding arrangement with the sweet melody of the piano accenting the voices of this all girl's choir will give you chills. The good kind.

"I want to have control. I want a perfect body. I want a perfect soul."

The People (Real & Fictitious).

1. Ty Burrell/Phil Dunphy: If you haven't started watching 'Modern Family' by now, you must hate life and not enjoy laughing. You're probably also the awkward one at work that fake laughs during the coffee cooler conversation. No but seriously, I highly advise that you tune in Wednesday nights. Ty Burrell, who happens to be a native Oregonian, plays the hilarious "cool" dad of a family of 5. You can't help but love him, laugh at him, feel sorry for him and then secretly wish your future husband acts exactly the same way.

2. Jimmy Fallon: My not-so-secret late night crush not only has the best band in late night (The Roots!) but has the best show no doubt. Jimmy captures the true elements of a variety show using his talents in song, humor and athletic competition. I mean, who else can slow jam the news with Brian Williams and challenge Betty White to Beer Pong? That's what's up.

3. Tina Fey/Liz Lemon: If I could have someone else's life, it would probably be Tina Fey's. We already have the same initials, so we're almost there. I admire Fey for her talent first as a writer and secondly, her ability to deliver such written brilliance. What a woman. She deserves all the success.

4. Jon Stewart: I just love listening to him talk. The fact that he's funny when he talks is everything one wants and needs in this life really. Before his book 'Earth,' I hadn't done the whole audiobook thing, but I feel like I had the complete experience listening to him rather than just reading his words. Simply wonderful. I hope I get back to NYC sometime soon so I can go to a taping of 'The Daily Show' again...after my trip to 30 Rock to see Jimmy Fallon and maybe run into TF in the halls. It could happen.

The Films.

1. The Social Network: The first scene of this film is intense, hilarious and awkward, which basically describes it in its entirety. The movie sets Zuckerberg up as the intelligent antagonist who we should be hating but by the end, you are so blown away with Eisenberg's performance that you in fact shamefully, kinda like Zuckerberg.

Take-Aways: Keep your friends close. Your real friends. Not the randoms on Facebook. While you're at it, delete the ones who you are uncertain of who they are and what the origins to your so-called friendship are. If you have to call your friends for confirmation in a conversation that goes something along the lines of, "Was that the guy that sat behind me in Physics?" Do not accept the friend request. We are using the term "friend" a bit loosely.

Oscar Worthy: Jesse Eisenberg, prepare your Best Actor speech. Hopefully they allow more characters than those pesky limited status updates.

2. The Black Swan: I'm still wrestling with what went on in that theater. This film was insane. Unlike other psychological thrillers (ie: Fight Club) where the different characters existence are made clear, this one is not. It leaves the viewer with the opportunity to decide what really occurred and what was only an act of cerebral games.

Take-Aways: Don't lose yourself and transform into a bird. Especially one that looks like it has been covered in oil like that one episode of 'Saved By The Bell' with the oil spill. Poor Becky.

Oscar Worthy: I've forever been a fan of Natalie Portman and I think she brought it. She made us uncomfortable but also created an understanding of the desirous place her insanity came from. Best Actress: Done.

3. The Fighter: This film based on true events shows the solidarity of family...ghetto fabulous family, but kin no less. Micky, the younger of the two brothers, is a struggling boxer with all the pressure on him from his family to be a success. Micky relies on his crackhead brother to train him while his managing-mother's concern for his career seems to be influenced by the fact that Micky supports the family. There's street fights. Jail Time. Some ass kicking.

Take-Aways: If you haven't learned it from Whitney already, crack is whack. Just looking at how unattractive a normally attractive Christian Bale looks when he is simply pretending to be on fake crack, is DARE program enough for me. Just say no.

Oscar Worthy: Bale. Let me preface this with saying, I am not usually the biggest Bale fan in the slightest. But his character Dickey made you feel every emotion from disgust and hate to sadness and joy, which is an incredible task for someone playing a has-been fighter turned crackhead. I hope you pick up your Supporting Actor statue, but spare us from using your creepily annoying 'Batman' voice. Adams might also be looking at Supporting Actress because she was kind of a badass. Go girl.

4. Inception: I already devoted an entire blog to how spectacular this movie is. So read that here: http://relentlessreflection.blogspot.com/2010/07/bravo-nolan-bravo-reflections-on.html

Take-Aways: Don't be content with the wonder or be confused to know if your dream could exist within a dream. Within another dream. Also, purchase a spinning top if you ever need to discriminate between the two. Or three.

Oscar Worthy: I just really want Leo to get an Oscar already. How many Oscar winning movies must one be in before they individually get recognized?! That being said, this wasn't his best performance by any means and if he's against Eisenberg, I'm going to have to go with Jesse. Nolan better go home the gold, no doubt. It was kind of this year's 'Avatar' but Nolan and co. actually created the sets.

5. The Kids Are Alright: Firstly, I must mention that this is a Sundance film which makes me incredibly happy. I love it when a well-written story still is able to be told and well-received, even in the absence of special effects that are implemented by a program on the computer.

Take-Aways: Life is complicated. It's even more complicated when you're a lesbian who used sperm from an anonymous donor and then your child wants to find the sperm responsible for his existence. And then your lesbian mom sleeps with said sperm donor. Wait, why couldn't they just do it the old-fashioned way in the first place if coitus was inevitable?

Oscar Worthy: I'm always in Annette Benning's corner, but she will be beat out by Amy Adams (if nominated) or at least, should be.

And there ya have it. I tell no lies.

Set your DVR, alter that Netflix queue and tell Regal Cinemas I sent you.

Happy New Year, folks!